Bread is Dangerous!!!
New studies suggest a number of health hazards, and more importantly hazards to society from
eating bread. Just look at THE FACTS:

  1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
  2. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
  3. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average
    on standardized tests.
  4. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy
    was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in
    childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
  5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough". It has been proven that a little as one pound
    of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than this
    in a single month!
  6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a much lower incidence of cancer,
    Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis than our so-called "advanced"
    society.
  7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects who were deprived of bread and given only
    water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.
  8. Bread is often a "gateway" food, leading to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter,
    cold cuts, crack, and even heroin.
  9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90% water, it
    follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
    product, turning into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
  10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
  11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill
    an adult in less than one minute!
  12. Most American bread-eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific
    facts and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

  1. No sale of bread to minors.
  2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper
    stickers.
  3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with
    bread.
  4. No animal or human images, or any primary colors should be allowed to promote bread, since
    these might appeal to young children.
  5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.